Saturday 16 July 2011

Star Trek XI: First Draft Parody Script




Opens on the USS Kelvin. We see a modern style of bridge  whilst getting sound effects from the original series.

Trek Fans
Original sound effects. That is a nice touch.

Fanatical Trekkies
But the technology looks too sophisticated compared to the original series will I even be able to sit through this?

Trek Fans
Shut up!

 *****

Nero
I want to show how evil I am by stabbing you. Please come aboard.

Captain Robau
Sure. Kirk's dad, take over and do something heroic. Also have a long talk with your wife try to make it emotional and significant.

Kirk's dad
I'll try.

He does so. As the auto pilot predictably fails, he rams the Romulan ship.

Nero
Why didn't you stop him from ramming us? Our first salvo alone almost destroyed them.

Romulan Gunner
Sorry Sir, my computer switched to space invaders and I didn't notice.

Nero
Well how long until the ship's repaired?

Romulan Engineer
I'd say about 25 years.

Nero
Daaaaaarn!

Kirk's mother
I must ensure my son never talks like that.

Audience
Exciting. Maybe Star Trek will make a come back.

A Nokia phone rings in the car of a young Kirk.

Audience
Then again...

Young Kirk
This ring tone is annoying, I'll stop it by driving  off the cliff.

Trek Fans
Reckless and stupid, hopefully his character will develop into just being reckless.

We see an older Kirk in a bar chatting up Uhura.

Uhura
My character's gone from someone who empowers black women, to a sex symbol.

Director JJ Abrams
Whoa, whoa lets not get political.

Kirk gets into a bar fight and his  style doesn't cause instant laughter amongst the audience.

Fanatical Trekkies
That's not Kirk.

Trek Fans
That's because you can't tell the difference between a character and an actor. See this http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/2011/07/difference-between-star-trek-fan-and.html

Captain Pike
Hello I'm here to pretend this is loloyalty to the original back story.

Kirk
Don't tell me the film is going to get all boring and cerebral.

Captain Pike
Goodness no.

He convinces Kirk to turn his life around and join star fleet in just  2 minutes of conversation.

Admiral somebody
Despite the way you won whilst munching an apple, we have only just worked out  that you cheated.

Jonathan Archer
Hey couldn't that Admiral be me?

Writers, cast, crew and audience
No!

 *****
Captain Pike
To continue this movies similarity with the Wrath of Khan, the Enterprise will be crewed by cadets.

Spock
Star fleet's really that short staffed?  Most illogical.

Captain Pike
We'll see how logical you are as the movie progresses.

Trek Fans
We're thinking the same about the story.

McCoy sneaks Kirk aboard and the writers get to make a dig at Shatner.

Dr McCoy
Hey Jim quick we've only got 20 seconds to take a look at this ship, not the traditional 20 minutes.

Kirk
Please fix my hands and tongue I can't stand these ridiculous hand gestures and.....badly...........................impaired.......linedelivery...............any...more.

Anyone who has ever seen Star Trek before
 He he he he!

 *****

Chekov
We're vedy Keptin.

Captain Pike
Look lad, Kirk did something about his voice. I'd appreciate you doing the same.

 *****

Kirk
I'm worried  about this whole sky diving through space thing.

Red shirt
Hi.

Kirk
OK that makes me feel better.

The red shirt bites it.

Trek Fans
Yeah this takes us back.

 *****

Sulu
Oh no, he had all the charges.

Kirk
What! Why would only one of us carry charges?

Sulu
We can destroy this with a couple of shots from these guns.

Kirk
Well at least that's better than you destroying it with your ridiculous sword.

Vulcan is destroyed anyway. It's actually the only significantly shocking event to happen in Star trek that won't be fixed by the end.

Kirk
Well trying to stop that drill was a waste of my time... I mean...

Spock
Get off of my ship.

Kirk gets marooned on a planet where he is likely to die, because the young Spock is kind of an ass.
.
Old Spock
What a beautiful stroke of luck, now you get to meet me.

Kirk
Look old man I've had a really really long day, I'd love to talk but...

Old Spock
He tasks me, he tasks me and I shall mind meld with him. I mean you.

Kirk
It wont give me a head ache will it?

Old Spock
It will make this exposition a lot more visually interesting.

 *****

Scotty
Despite clearly being a talented engineer, star fleet left me here.

Kirk
Can you get us back on board the Enterprise?

Scotty
No problem, I'll beam us onto a ship travelling at warp light years away.

Old Spock
But Picard's transporters...

Kirk
Don't ever mention that name again. Well at least not until we need another franchise boost.



They warp to catch up with Nero's ship which is apparently slower than the less advanced Enterprise.

Nero
I know your face, what you were going to become. Trust me I'm doing you a favour.

Kirk
Romulan bastard you killed my dad. By the way did my alternate self survive impossible situations because the villain talked too much?

Nero
Actually he did... Fine, and I could have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you pesky kids.
Spock destroys the drill from space.

Spock
I really wish I'd thought of this when we were at Vulcan.

Kirk, Spock and Pike beam out.

Sulu
Shall I take us to a safe distance and let that ship get destroyed by that black hole.

Kirk
No, they could go back in time again and give us a film version of Enterprise. No one wants that. Besides seeing the Enterprise firing all phasers looks cool.

They escape , no one in the audience was on the edge of their seat.  Kirk is made Captain of the Enterprise.

Kirk
Could you ever see the Navy promoting a cadet to a Captain after one mission.

Trek Fans
Who cares?

Kirk
True.

Trekkies
True.

Leonard Nimoy
And so the Enterprise crew warps off happy as can be, whilst I deliver the closing monologue, I feel..... old.




Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

2 comments:

BennyS said...

"Kirk
Please fix my hands and tongue I can't stand these ridiculous hand gestures and.....badly...........................impaired.......linedelivery...............any...more."

Always good to have a Shatner joke. :-)

numbersix said...

I loved the new movie.

I found this short parody script of it amusing:

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